If you’ve seen me since I arrived back in the United States this summer, you can probably ignore this blog. You’re welcome to read it anyway, but its contents shouldn’t be a surprise for you.
Since April or May, Blake and I have asked our prayer partners to pray for my health. I’m sure they’ve noticed extreme vagueness in those prayer emails, but we just haven’t been ready to talk about what’s been going on in a bigger forum. Now, it’s time.
Tomorrow, our beloved son Silas will become a big brother to Benji. We’ve chosen not to let our extended family and friends on social media in on this until now for a couple of reasons…
We continue to grieve Silas. Adding Benji to our family does not change that. Sadly, there are people who think that having another baby will somehow “fix” our loss. Silas was and is our son. We love and miss him so much. That will never change. Benji is his own person, whom we also love. He’s not a replacement and he’s not a consolation prize. Out of respect for both of our sons, we’ve opted to keep this news quiet.
We’ve needed space to process this pregnancy. As you might imagine, we don’t feel the same joys that most people get to during pregnancy. The last eight months have been filled with fear, doubt and sorrow. Yes, we’ve had moments of joy and, yes, we are very happy to be adding Benji to our family, but we’ve needed time and space to feel both the joy and sorrow of being pregnant. Not telling a wider audience has given us that time and space.
We’ve also tried to be respectful of family and friends that continue to grieve. Whether they’re grieving Silas or struggling with their own loss or infertility, we have tried to be sensitive. By not announcing our pregnancy and not posting weekly updates of our progress, we have tried to shield others from the pain we still experience through seeing these kinds of posts. I still cringe when I see belly pictures. I still cringe when I see a newborn wrapped in a hospital blanket. If my own pregnancy hasn’t changed those feelings for me, I imagine it’s the same for others.
We are grateful for your prayers. Please hold us close in the days and weeks to come. We are anxious for Benji to get here. We are saddened as Silas’ birthday approaches. We are heartbroken that our sons will never know each other. We are blessed to be the parents of two special little boys.