Joy After Unspeakable Heartbreak

A year ago I called my eight-year-old niece to wish her a happy birthday. Or so she thought. It just so happened that her birthday fell on a day that I desperately needed to call my sister. Since I needed to call my sister at 6:30 in the morning, I decided to play it cool and act like I was calling MaryGrace. That day, on Facebook, I posted “Today I am grateful for the niece that gives me hope that there can by joy after unspeakable heartbreak. I need that today. Happy 8th Birthday, MaryGrace!” Continue reading

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Calling My Big Sister

I remember, well, the day Blake and I saw two pink lines appear on the home pregnancy test. I had left the test in the bathroom and paced back and forth in the hall. Blake had stopped my pacing for a hug and, I’m sure, a quick prayer. I peered into the bathroom from around the corner, as if the test would work better if it didn’t know I was watching. I saw the lines, ran into our room and shrieked “What does two lines mean?” We didn’t have the forethought to read ahead of time what we were looking for, but it didn’t take too long for Blake to find the answer. Continue reading

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When “Bad” Days Really Aren’t

The following is what I consider to be a “word vomit.” Grammar, spelling, and other things that I normally feel are important are not espoused in what is below. I change tenses. Several times. I use periods. Where I shouldn’t. I would go back and edit, but I’m tired and I want an ice cream bar. Feel free to fix it in your head, or edit it and send me your revisions. I will happily re-post a cleaner version. : ) Continue reading
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Piles of Clothes

There are times in this journey, when my grief pops up out of nowhere. Sometimes I nod my head to acknowledge it. Sometimes I run past it to something else to occupy my mind and body. Sometimes I am paralyzed by it, unable to focus on anything other than what death has taken from me. Continue reading

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What’s in a name?

Bekah Ludlow Hart:

I meant to re-post this a few days ago… Here’s a recent blog by Blake.

Originally posted on Thoughts of a Recovering Seminarian:

As many of you know, our family grew a little larger on October 17 with the birth of Benjamin Young. As you also know, our family, while bigger, is still incomplete as we continue to mourn the loss of our dear Silas, who would have turned one today. Some will say that having Benjamin (Benji) makes it all better. They think that Benji can in some way erase all the pain of losing Silas; that our grief will be erased by the birth of our second son.

That’s simply not the case. 

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A year ago

As I sit and watch my newborn son try to figure out thumb-sucking, I can’t help but think of his older brother. Would he have preferred his thumb or a paci or would he have cared for either? It seems that whenever Benji, as young as he is, expresses an interest or preference, I think of Silas. Would Silas have been stubbornly opposed to breast-feeding? Would Silas have preferred to be swaddled with his arms tucked in or out? Would his hair be strawberry blonde like mine was or orangey red like Blake’s? Continue reading

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Coming Clean

If you’ve seen me since I arrived back in the United States this summer, you can probably ignore this blog. You’re welcome to read it anyway, but its contents shouldn’t be a surprise for you.

Since April or May, Blake and I have asked our prayer partners to pray for my health. I’m sure they’ve noticed extreme vagueness in those prayer emails, but we just haven’t been ready to talk about what’s been going on in a bigger forum. Now, it’s time. Continue reading

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